


Last Resort

by Requiem_Ace



Category: Original Work
Genre: Adulthood, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, Dark, Depression, Gen, Hallucinations, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Last Resort, Other, POV First Person, Real Life Problem, Regret, Schizophrenia, Song Inspired, unnamed character - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-05
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22573120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Requiem_Ace/pseuds/Requiem_Ace
Summary: 『 Let's make our escape in this world where there's nowhere to run. 』 【 Song Inspired Oneshot 】「 Angst 」[This story contains the following warnings; smoking, mentions of alcohol, slight sexual implications, high vulgar language/cursing, depression, self harm, and suicide.]I'm stuck in a cycle where one mistake led me down this path of regret. I can't seem to leave once I reached rock-bottom.It's okay, though. Today seems like a beautiful day anyways.❥ "Last Resort" rightfully belongs to Ayase (song inspired)❥ Some themes similarly are inspired by "Additional Memory"; credits to Jin (song inspired)❥ Please read the disclaimer before proceeding into the story; the story may contain highly sensitive topics❥ Description is purposely vague
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Kudos: 1





	Last Resort

**Author's Note:**

> 「 A story of a wasted life and the inability to return to their previous one. 」

Groggily, I felt myself stirring, shuffling in the all-too-familiar sheets that reeked of venomous odor. It smelled awful per usual. Nose twitching and scrunching back at the horrible stench I could only stretched myself out from the bed that was followed by a hollow creak. The slightest movement causing a painful whine from underneath until I pushed myself up, the weight of my actions sending waves of dizziness as I slowly blinked away the black dots. I took a moment to inspect this lonely room of mine and found everything to be the same; disorganized and filthy, just like it's owner. A sigh escaped my dry lips and the parched feeling in my throat came along, wincing a little when I gulped back whatever remaining liquid inside of behind my clenched teeth.

Sucking in the air polluted of the disgusting smell of beer and liquor, I soon regretted the idea of doing so as it possibly dried up my saliva — or what remained of it in my mouth. My legs swung carelessly over to the side, the balls of my feet knocking against the end of the bed that, with the creaking, created involuntary noises that I grew accustomed to for so long. Over the edge, yet my feet failed the graze the cement under it as the cooling chills tickled them despite not touching the ground. Squeamish, I embraced the shocking freeze of the floor, gritting my jaws together before deciding to go to work today. I didn't bother to fix the comforts back into a nicer, more proper-looking appearance which would bring back the nice memories of being a child, having others do things for helpless young 'un.

_Where did the time go by?_ Helplessly, I simpered grimly as I limped over to the old curtain sheets that had smudges all over. It's pristine transparent beauty when it was first hung on the racks in the mall that people would desperately want stained and dirtied, giving it a more forgotten old look instead. My fingers skimmed over the once precious and soft fabric that could've tingled me with giddiness to know I had the luxury of having something like this only to feel the dust bunnies that clambered on it, rough and difficult to womb my fingers on. Gripping both of the large thick screens, I ripped them away, only to be blinded by the not so brightened view of the sun sitting far off from the top. Shifting my eyes back to the clock hanging ajar on the wall, it's wallpaper already torn and ragged, it's when I realized the time. _Two in the afternoon..._

_I've been late before_ , I pondered, squinting my eyes when the light, despite it not being strong, burning into my sensitive orbs. Turning my back against the dusty windows, I trudged over to the bathroom, taking the hanger that held my only uniform for work and the only clean clothing I had left. Every other clothing I had was either lost because I never remembered to take them back from the laundry shop downtown or in the farthest corner of my room, untouched or never washed. No in-between.

I dipped my toes into the hot water that removed the shuddering sensation that finally fled into the heat. Once my temperature settled well with the relaxing water that brought a shaky breath out from her chapped lips. The tension in my body soothed as I pushed myself into the water, my nose barely over the rim as I breathed in some of its scent from the shampoo used. Some of the bubbles left in my hair as I continued to scrub most of the dirt away. Still, it's something I have to use carefully since there's so little of it left— wait, never mind. With my other hand, I took the bottle from the side and shook it, feeling nothing inside of it. There goes that thought... I ran out of conditioner too. I only dove myself deeper and became only eye-level, not before intaking air to stare at my toes that stuck out.

Glancing around this small room, my stare lingered on the particular object in the room that didn't belong to me. The ignorant feeling that played temporary bliss of those infamous hands that roamed my body played in mind like a video but not that it brought the greatest of memories. One of the worst, actually. I ground my teeth together when the pleasured sounds of ecstasy tried to drown me in the ugly shame I felt that day, finding another body besides mine on my bed when I roused awake. I forced myself to look away from the untouched jacket that hung near the doorway, mocking me with its crinkled up folds and dust, finished washing off the body wash and remains of shampoo in my hair. My hand reached to the towel beside me, wrapping the cloth around my body securely and leaving, never wanting to stay in that room since that day.

I tossed my articles into the large pile that began stacking up of my disgusting stench reeked from not being washed nor taken care of for months now. I grabbed another towel that hung and wrapped it around my damp hair, not even making an effort to hurry before I could get yelled at by my boss for the constant excuses and messes I've done. Ditching work for my own sad pathetic lies and excuses for being a procrastinating asshole. And not in a way where I could still be saved; that would be a wonderful dream if I could be though. The beautiful, yet childish fairytale every little girl would dream of where they'll be saved by the Prince Charming who's strangely aware of their capture from the treacherous villain for the sole purpose to marry her and become the hero of the story.

_Or maybe in this tragic story of mine, I'm playing both the damsel-in-distress and the villainess_. I rubbed my hair with the towel in an attempt to dry it up, only to end with entangled strands. I tugged harshly to loosen my locks that won't seem to come loose, only flinch at how hard I pulled them and drew my hand back. The effects of hair fall right before me as I observed the many strands in my hand before shaking them off, leaving them on the floor. My eyes scanned my reflection head to toe with a distant look in them before I bobbed my head in assurance that I wore everything I need. The dread built up in this petite heart of mine and the heavy burden on my shoulders almost making me want to tumble down the stairs of my solemn apartment. _Maybe that's why I didn't get the happiness I deserved._

_Nothing but a wolf in sheep's clothing and no blessing in disguise for me._ I wanted to laugh at my damned life. How pathetic. Gripping tightly onto the strap of my little book bag that was gifted by my late mother, I was able to make it outside, not before getting a scolding and raging yell from the landlord as I exited. My mouth curled, twisting into one of my fragile smiles and I could only held back any choking sobs I wanted to emit. I never realized the mistake I overlooked at and it seemed like it could never make me forget. It wouldn't make me forget and it wouldn't make me happy. Yet, the words that left my lips would make onlookers stare at me with animosity if they heard me.

"The start of a new day," I chuckled hoarsely from the feeling of my throat becoming parched once again, even when I got a drink from the lounge before I left. "How **_lovely_**..."

「 • • • 」

I've forgotten about this cruel luck of mine. I'd always forget it until it would take the last of my hopes if it ever pieced itself back together. At this point, it only felt like a numbing feeling that would only appear when I'd drink up many bottles of beer. Now, it's become a barren part of my life.

I knew the day would come when my boss would finally have enough and end everything right here. He wasn't lenient in the first place; keeping something broken like me in his office wouldn't have made his business rise up either so I wasn't all too surprised about the reasons. Even if he didn't have a reason in doing so, it wouldn't change the fact that every single person in the room had made complaints about me. I wasn't in the greatest condition and any help raised for me would easily be shot down with an unhumorous laugh. _I'm beyond repair._ I would replied with a forced lopsided grin that only brought concern than relief. It was all too much for me to take yet I could only feel the Drowsiness blind me into a helpless abyss.

Now I sat next to the fountain of the small town square. It was clearly late, around evening, and the only company I had left were the lamp posts planted in certain areas. The cigarette between my lips expelled the disastrous gas that started a faster destruction against our ozone layer and could kill my respiratory system was something I couldn't care less about. It's the provocation of whether I was actually numb to everyone's words or am I kicking myself closer to my limit so that I wouldn't hear their words. After all, I was the creation of my own faults and therefore, the only one who's to be blame for all the misfortunes I've trampled over is no one but myself.

I pulled the stick of tobacco out and blew out the disgusting smell that scattered into the air. I rested both of my arms on my knees as I looked up to the sky. My favorite sight where it would only be me and the moon gazing into each other's light; mine dying far too long ago to be recognized as bright. I dipped my head back to stare above me, no stars aligned to match the moon nor was there any to begin with. I could feel the tips of my long tresses grace the water behind me. Puckering my lips to blow out my last smoke, I crunched the side of the cigarette next to me, making sure there wasn't anything left but the used up stick.

I stiffly fixed my position to sit up properly instead of my legs spread wide, pulled up to my chest and making sure the pencil skirt didn't tore from the sluggish motions. I really did like this uniform after all. One of the only clothes I'd ever want to wear to parties, work, and meetings repeatedly if I had the luxury to do so. God, I didn't realize how painful it was to lose all of that in a single year. The freedom of enjoyment and happiness; a long life meant for joy in my heart instead of this freeloading waste devoid of anything left.

Yet, everything ended with me giving up a small sigh. I couldn't keep lying to myself — I _couldn't_ lie to myself. At the brink of my sanity was an edging resistance in me, hoping for the day I could stop this... this addiction to this new life of mine. My thoughts would reminisce about the times I'd stare at the fools who'd drink away their life savings and the sluts who'd fuck until their legs would break, my brows furrowed in disappointment before minding my own business to get along my better life. Was this how they felt felt? Was this karma for how I'd look down at them to not understand what they truly felt for doing this? If it was, it felt despairingly hurtful. To be looked down upon instead of being treated like the woman I originally was until my savings ended up in the trash heap in the corner of my room.

I was at the point where I didn't realize the stinging burn in my eyes and the trembling of my wet lips, gnawing at the bottom lip as my vision blurred and my nose became runny. The pitiful glances that passed my way would never happen and I'll always, and forever, be seen as the woman who's life disappeared just beyond my grasp. What bubbled from my throat was a strangled laugh at my own self-worth. Psychotic would be the first word people might think of me if they could see this. I wouldn't blame them. I'd probably think the very same thing if I was still in their shoes. Burying my face into my arms as tears streamed down and stained my sickly pale arms that were once fair and healthy. _Look at yourself_ , I thought lowly. _Piece of shit._

I didn't realize how my head snapped so quickly when incoming heavy footsteps entered my field of hearing and I could only attempt an empty straight-lipped expression. His expression tired from running all the way here, how he spotted me could mot likely be because I'm the only one here laughing my ass off to nobody, but it was stern. I wanted to avoid him for all year long for the destruction I put us into. _Now I fucking want to die right here._ Even with distant eyes, I could only shame myself into shifting my glance down to the cigarette left to rot, pressing my burning forehead against my forearms to not meet his gaze.

We both said nothing for a while until his panting came to a stop. I heard him get closer, not close to actually be sitting side by side, but close to around a good few inches and set himself down next to me. Silence enveloped us into a tensed awkwardness and his uncomfortable squirming was enough for me to know he wanted to say something but wasn't sure on how to say it. _Why couldn't I let my brain cells die along with my ruins?_

"Hey," he started the conversation, voice strained for whatever reason. "It's been a while..."

"Cut the crap as if nothing happened between us," I snapped aggressively. Blood boiling in my veins and the increasing pounding in my head that couldn't handle the sight of this man being anywhere nearby me. I flicked the box open to get another stick until it was snatched from between my fingers and thrown to the side all thanks to this guy. Frustration only boiled further... but I had this feeling of gratitude that ached in my chest for his actions because _someone still cared about my health_ despite not saying anything. Instead of an angered reply, I simply flipped him off, groaning at the loss of a cigarette from the box.

His eyebrows knitted together with that _pitiful_ stare drilling into the back of my mind. Coming from him of all people didn't solve my case one bit. "Listen..." he trailed off, almost nervous of what he's about to say. My mind didn't feel like cooperating with my senses at the moment as it felt like that _laziness_ had come to swoop down at my dystopia. "I shouldn't have left months back without saying anything... especially when, you were... fuck, uh... you know? I can't blame you for what happened between us — at least I can't blame everything on you-"

A haughty laughter boozed from my mouth. "Oh, but you did. You did and I was left to rot in that shitty mistake until today," I spat, watching the way he winced at my pointed tone. I was pretty aware that this wasn't what I meant to say but the words just spouted from my inner feelings instead of the truth from the moment he just easily brought the conversation up like I intentionally made our lives hell. When I pulled my lips back into a scowl and sighed through my nostrils, calming my sense of thoughts. "You're not wrong though. I did ruin that pretty little life you had by involving you into mine so don't try apologizing for shit." I waved the box at him with a knowing look when he expressed that apologetic look my way before drawing back my hand and shoving the box into my bag.

"Geez, why are always so snarky? It brings back the good old days from since we were in senior high," he laughed as he tried to lighten up our mood. Something he's been terrible at that only made him become all laughs, apparently that was the only way he lit up our moods from way back. "I heard... that you were fired." I tensed a little. "I thought about seeing you after I regained my composure and mind to understand to talk things out. As soon as I got there, a co-worker of yours told me you were finally fired since your boss had enough with you. I was utterly shock when I heard that since you were always the type to never do things like that."

"Yeah, well, look where did that end up. I'm no longer that same girl, not anymore. So suck up the truth." I bit my lip, staring at the cold hard ground with the same good-for-nothing memories flashing before my eyes, shuddering. As if telling me to speak about it now or nothing would come to it. I decided to follow that darn gutted feeling. "...I owe you the apology, not the other way around. Don't say shit like 'I wasn't acting like myself' when it's a shitty excuse for throwing myself onto you. That was fucking stupid and low of me to do..." I grumbled the last part to myself.

When I felt the familiar static that followed through my veins _that_ same night, I pulled away with a hiss, not wanting to remember one of the greatest mistakes I did that fucked both of our lives up. He seemed completely surprised though from my recoil. "That's why I can't blame you entirely for it. I... allowed you to do that, and what's worse, I returned every one of them! I should've been mature enough to stop it but instead I ended up fucking you and leaving you with more burdens than less. That night I even promised you that I won't let these things happen and just look at where my words went..."

"Still," I persisted. "I should be blamed for it all. If I'd listen to you about meeting a psychiatrist instead of drinking myself to death, maybe I wouldn't end up like this and dragged you down with me. I made you cheat on your wife for fucks sake!"

"Yeah, you should've," he spoke. Even if it no longer contained the malice I was hoping it would, I flinched regardless. It did held an undertone from his low whisper when I realized I struck a nerve I shouldn't have. "I want to hate you, sorry to be offensive, but I really did. I could only return to her with this guilt in my heart and this restless feeling of regret if she were to found out when I saw her giving me concerned looks. It hurts to see her giving me those worried looks when I was actually going behind her back that the fucking guilt ate my sanity at that point too." He sighed. "Though, after some time, I blew off the anger I had for you and thought about how you felt that day, what were you truly feeling, the amount of regret and confusion you must've felt. I didn't realize until that moment that you also had it hard and to leave you without saying anything... I wouldn't want to imagine it."

My eyes dilated at his honest words that wrenched my heart back and forth, the unconscious feeling of tears sliding down my cheeks and staining my arms and shirt. Quickly taking a small glimpse over to him, seeing him slouched over with his eyes trained on his hands, I glanced back up to the black canvas. "You shouldn't have, really, I was in such a daze. Taking advantage of our drunken state to confess my puppy love to you and fuck up that relationship with your wife? Absolutely inexcusable if you had my opinion. In the end, I think the one who hates me the most is me. I just can't seem to forget and continue. _I didn't want to._ It's that moment where you look at yourself from back then, thinking, 'maybe I should've done this,' only to realize that once something's been done, the only person who can decide the good or bad path in life is yourself."

Silence engulfed us once more and I could feel his bewildered stare on me. "I can't forgive myself. Even if the entire world would forgive me, it would be too late because the only person who could never forgive me is myself. These sins I carry just pull the extra strings of where I left off." I raised my hand up to grasp the moon. "I'm no better than any of the bastards and sluts I've seen in clubs and in bars. I could only continue on in regret." I tried clutching my hand, only to remember the futility of this and pulled my limb back to my side, leaning against the fountain's edge. "How is she anyways? Did you spill the beans?"

What shook me was how nonchalant he was being, breathing through his nose and gulping back any words he was supposed to interfere with. "Oh, she's... surprisingly still with me. The most understanding person I've ever met because when I told her about it, the truth, she forgave me... I wasn't sure if she saw the regret and guilt in my confession or did you truly trust my words when I told her that it was a mistake I will ever make again. Either way, I've never felt anymore happier when she did."

"Told you she's a keeper when you two dated," I chimed in with a hoarse chuckle.

"Yeah, I didn't regret listening to you after that," he smiled stiffly. "If you need any help, you can ask me-"

Abruptly, I stood up, staring down at his surprise expression with a grim frown. "Don't bother. I'm a hopeless case." He stood up as well, no words spewing from his mouth this time, except all he did was open his arms wide. Even when I tried to reject it, the wanting of his warm embrace to engulf me in comfort like the old times jabbed at my heart, my mind seeking comfort once again. As if he read my mind, the mind that didn't want forgiveness — which was nothing but blasphemy — knowing that I couldn't accept forgiveness. With tears swelling in my red puffy eyes, I ran over to him and wrapped my arms around his body, imagining the comfort I desperately wanted with my lips drawing out endless apologies.

_The embrace was nothing like I imagined. It was a cold, hollow feeling that told me that everything I hoped for was just an aimless dream. Everyone gave up on me a long time ago and all I was imagining was a 'what-if' if I chose the right path as I said earlier._

_**I was truly abandoned.** _

Lethargic, I awoke to the familiar pungent smell of my room and the sight of the unhealthy living grounds I've been forcing myself to live in. Except around my upper body wrapped the unfortunate familiar feeling of warmth that seemed to brought back the waterworks I had, forcing my arms to muffle my helpless cries, vision stinging if I opened my eyes again. I combed my scrawny fingers through unkept hair, tangled with many tresses that I no longer cared when I ended my pointless sobs. I stared out of the window and noticed how dark it still was, shifting my gaze to the old clock hung on my wall that pointed at around quarter to six in the morning. The same feeling of wanting to be swallowed up whole by the earth felt better than to recreate memories that would never happen; an apocalyptic crisis in her eyes.

Despite the wavering feeling of wanting to lay for my entire life, I lifted myself off of my bed to stray away from the pity party effect it might leave on me. Again, I felt the coldness, numbness, of the floor along with the blanket that was thrown off of the bed. I didn't bother to pick it up and place it back on the bed. Tucking myself further into the jacket, I spotted the new bottles emptied next to the cabinet next to the bed and my wallet, not even a penny to spare, carelessly left open near the bottles of wine. Feeling a bit buzz and ditzy, I could only waltz around the room and to the exit of the room. It was tough to keep myself from collapsing to the floor and on my knees but it wasn't as bad as I expected. I didn't realize how heavy the burdens were dragging me as I found my trembling legs carrying me up the stairs of the apartment. The wanting to forget about the thrashed bedroom, to forget about every single horrible thing that came to this day, and to forget the negative emotions swallowing my heart whole into numbness.

I wasn't able to register the idea of what I planned, trying to reject this lost hope pulling down my chest. My tears forgotten and dried up that left marks on my cheeks and the next thing I knew, I felt the gust of wind slap against my weak body, almost taking the jacket from my arms with a simple blow. I clutched it in a death grip to keep this warmth in check. I could only look up at the sky that glowed a darkened red. Maybe my eyes have started deceiving me in person with the strange hue it shone instead of the typical orange or yellow that would mix with the midnight sky. I'd rather not dwell on the thought any longer if I wanted to not lose conscious.

I stumbled, tripped, and limped over to the railings of the rooftop. Staring down at the millions of people that were still asleep or already at work, maybe some just stayed at home to enjoy their day offs and such. A warming feeling echoed through my ribcage at the far off sight that would always bring me relief and tranquility long ago. Before this cyclone of disasters targeted me left and right. My hands pushed me up so that I sat on the railings, leaning slightly over to view the buildings below. _It's so high..._ Figuratively, instead of the fear people would usually feel, it actually got me to smile. No facade, no broken look on my face accompanying it at all. Just a small smile that graced my face.

And so, I raised my fingers beyond what I could reach, up to the red skies. For a moment, I felt a flash flickering before my eyes and the dream of my utopia smiling down at me gently. My other grip on the rails slipped and everything was a blur by then. In the midst of it all, only one thought crossed my mind when a single tear shedded from my eye.

> _**What a beautiful day it is today.** _

**Author's Note:**

> 『 Shall we put an end to it when we become too tired to walk? 』
> 
> “Imagine being in the perspective of those people you’re disgusted off — the ones who’re wasting their life away through alcohol and smoking out their health. Maybe ones who’re said to be sluts for getting all drunk. Looking further into the person’s life that fell so hard that they’re at a complete state of loss, seeking comfort in the worse of things. It just means that they were once a great person with horrible luck.”
> 
> Not really in depth and all, sorry about that ^^; but I’ve sometimes been thinking about this kind of thing. Like, what if they had their own issues that they resulted to these problems and not because they did it for the heck of it. Not all people do it because they like it. Please, if anyone is suffering anxiety or depression in anyway, do your best to support them. Prevent these issues from happening and prevent the amount of death and suicide by supporting your love ones.


End file.
